Behind The Scenes(A Suicide Note)

I know you all will be dismayed by my action.

"How could he do it? How could a man who has built empires and travelled the world kill himself? What else could he want? A role model to many young boys. Why did he do it?" These are the questions cutting through your mind.

However, behind this great man was a man who struggled to be seen; to live an ordinary life.

Behind this model to many young boys was a man who took drugs to be fit on the stage.

The world will always judge you. That is why you have to perform to live up to their expectations.

Behind every great man is a man who had sleepless nights due to depression.

The world will always want to break you. That's why you have to perform masculinity because that is the only way to escape criticism.

There were days when this great man, the man who travelled around the world, drank himself to a stupor because that was the only escape route.

My friend has just died from depression. The only shoulder I cried on left me in this world full of venom.

But instead of sympathizing with me, the world cancelled me. I was the topic on every blog.

Every journalist wished to see my failure.

Parents cautioned their children who saw me as a role model.

That moment broke me.

It revealed the level of toxicity and stereotypes placed on men.

Men are not supposed to cry because that is a sign of weakness.

In a relationship, crying is a red flag and a warning to the woman to make hay while the sun shines.

Leave the relationship, or else you will be tied to a weak man forever.

And we don't talk about the thoughts that wander in our minds like evil spirits because we are prohibited from doing so.

Our feelings should be bottled up and not expressed in any form whatsoever.

We must be strong for our family, for society, and for the world.

But how can we stay strong when we are depleting day by day?

As I write this, I'm down with liver cancer.

I only knew about it days ago when I collapsed on stage while presenting my TED Talk, "Dear Men, Be Strong For Yourselves."

This is a result of continued substance abuse.

You see, what was an escape became death itself.

That's how much self-denial we live in.

We care for family.

We spread ourselves for society so that we can be accepted.

But we take no notice of our deteriorating health.

The man exists in a world where self-worth is traded for validation.

Validation from society while living in self-denial.

Today, many young boys perform masculinity to gain relevance and favour in the sight of the people.

Imagine an effeminate man, one who has spent his life in the service of the people, being labeled gay.

That was the same case with my friend, Femi.

Femi was an effeminate man, and he wore it so proudly that it became the name of his brand. He cared less about people's judgment.

And that was his biggest mistake. In our world, you have to be aware of the needs of society and work towards them, even when they do not align with your goals.

But Femi ignored this sentiment. This infuriated the men who raided his house and killed him while capturing his last moments on camera.

His crime was that he was too lean to be a man. He walked with his nose in the air like the Queen of Sheba. His voice was so melodious that you would confuse it with the voices of the choristers in Rome.

He was seen as a disgrace to manhood. He became an example of men who died because they disregarded the society. He underestimated its power and he faced the consequence.

Before his death, Femi was accused of dating a married man. And this married man happened to be me, Jide Madu.

He had only hugged me briefly in public because he was happy to see his friend. Unfortunately, the media turned this moment of joy into controversy.

We were both accused of homosexuality.

"These are symbols of greatness in society. Every boy aspires to be like him. But he went ahead to ruin what he has built. This is ridiculous," a podcast host blasted.

My wife divorced me because she couldn't stand the stigma.

"So, that's why you haven't performed? That's why I became little, or even less, in your sight? Because you have been seeing your friend?" she queried.

For the longest time, I hadn't had sex with my wife. The reason was mental and emotional stress that came from the pile of work on my table every day.

But my wife didn't listen to me. She left me when I needed her, in the wilderness, to be devoured by wild animals. She took everything and left me to die in my grief.

I hope I'm not boring you with my problems. I only want you to see through my plight and understand the problems of every man in the street, toiling day and night to make ends meet.

When the bridge is collapsing, swing the rope and jump to the other side of the bridge. But what if there is no help waiting for you?

This is the life of men. The life we have come to live. And while it has evolved into a tradition, I will definitely not wish this on the next generation of men.

I hope my son, Chizoba, will not be raised like his father but like the man he wants to be.

He should grow with toys around him and love showered on him because he is human.

I wish that men would engage in and relate through open discussions about their predicament. No man deserves to die in silence because we too are human.

I wish every man would live on his own terms and not to impress society.

In the end, I hope that I don't become a beacon of failure to the world. But even if I become a failure, may I not become an illusion.

Until we meet again, in heaven or in hell, remember the man I once was.

Yours who died in silence,                                          Jide Madu.