I Think I'm Gay

While I was in secondary school, bullies always reminded me that I'm effeminate. I was made to carry effeminacy as a curse, like a nickname that didn't come from a place of love.

These differences and clashes with bullies were a result of rattled opinions—ideas that should never be conceived by a man. These vary from feminism to music preferences. For this, I was seen as that boy who would grow into a simp. A woman can run me over without thinking twice.

And considering that I am effeminate, I will probably turn gay and become the next Bobrisky.

But I ignored them and their grievances. I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that doesn't invalidate my capacity as a man, especially when these accusations are mere assumptions. They can call me gay or whatever they want. But one thing I'm sure of is that my value system places me at the banquet among my peers.

However, a few months in Nsukka as a college student have left me with no other choice than to question this so-called value system of mine. I can't hold conversations with young men because my opinions and beliefs are contrary to the stipulations in society.

A few days ago, I was seated in my room, trying to reconcile with the hunger that was shaking my belly. I picked up my phone and played Onyeka Onwenu's song, Iyogogo. As the song played, I found solace in the words that flowed through the lips of the icon. I allowed myself to be immersed in her world by humming softly to it. It gave me peace and healed my soul.

While I was listening to this song, a friend who came to visit my roommate questioned my choice of music. He bamboozled me with a lot of questions.

“Why will you be playing such a song? Look at how you are singing along with her in a high-pitched voice. Diokpara mmadu, a first son? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?”

I was really perplexed by his tone and the manner in which I was approached. Besides, I saw nothing wrong with this song. Wasn't it Onyeka Onwenu, the elegant stallion? The eagle who crawled so that every other female singer could fly. So, how does listening to her song make me less?

As I tried to organize my defense, my roommate resurrected an argument we had prior to the present one. The argument stemmed from my roommate's decision to marry a virgin after he had already engaged in premarital sexual activities.

THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE CONVERSATION:

Mr A: Guy, I want to marry a virgin. Not after every other man has fucked senses out a girl, I will come and take over. The pussy for don expand now!

Me: But you will fuck other girls, abi?

Mr A: Why not?

Me: Who will marry those girls?

Mr A: Any man will marry her.

Me: You have a sister, right? What if your sister's husband annuls their marriage because she's not a virgin? What will be your reaction?

Mr A: That's her cup of tea. It's not my business. (Silence.) But wait, are you trying to say that you can marry a woman who isn't a virgin?

Me: As far as there is love...

Mr A: When she has already slept with a dozen men. It's just marrying a prostitute. You will have flashbacks of the men fucking her.

Me: What about this virgin girl you want to marry? Isn't it her right to feel jealous because you had other women before her?

Mr A: Why will she be angry?

Me: Okay, how will you know that your wife is a virgin?

Mr A: The hymen will tear when we are at it, nau.

Me: And you do know that there can be a rupture from cases of rape.

Mr A: Do you want to marry a rape victim?

Me: Is there anything wrong with marrying a rape victim?

Mr A: Forget, Chidera. You are a feminist, holding all those yeye opinions of equality.

Me: Then you are a misogynist. Because if to give your sister up like a chicken for sacrifice means you're capable of harming people... Okay, you that wants a virgin, don't you think you owe this girl the gift of purity until marriage?

Mr A: How does your question apply to what is obtainable in society?

Me: And who makes the law in society?

Mr A: Nothing you wan tell me, Chidera. You are gay. You will be behaving like you came from a wealthy family? You forget the society you are in... you are nothing but a simp.

(Chaos erupts in the room.)

However, while the room erupted into an ocean of endless arguments and accusations, I realized the problem with the average young man in Nigeria.

I immediately understood that one's level of exposure can affect his thought pattern and perception of issues.

Although, I believe that people's definitions of masculinity and feminism can be internalized to the point that you begin to question your own standards.

Arguably, society has contributed a fair share to the emotional and mental damage of the boy child. This is not to say that the boy child has failed in the aspect of self-evaluation.

There is an Igbo saying, “Ndumodu mmadu nyere onwe ya bu nke kacha,” which literally means that the best advice comes from within. This adage encourages genuine training and self-education.

Unfortunately, the present generation of young men in Nigeria has refused the idea of self-development. They have chosen ignorance, which feeds their ego.

Think about my roommate's friend, who questioned my taste in music and summed it up by calling me gay. He and my roommate have taken it upon themselves to live with their retrogressive ideas and die with them.

At this point, the question shouldn't be whether I'm gay or not. The question should be: Who sets the rules of masculinity? And does rejecting conventional rules of masculinity tell us who you desire?

Until we answer these questions, I will continue to question my sexuality. And who knows? Maybe I'm gay.

Chidera Onuoha.